excuse me, but your muffin top is spilling out.

I’ve gone through my fair share of unfortunate fashion choices. My junior year of high school was filled with those apron-like, empire waisted shirts that do nothing for any figure, regardless of shape or size. (Seriously, what was I thinking?!) I also went through the inevitable phase of pulling my tank top halfway down my butt, thinking that somehow the layered look was both cool and slimming (I’ve since observed that this is an age-related phase, because every girl from 7th to 9th grade has done it at least once). And then, there were just some complete misses that I am too ashamed to even discuss here (think wide patterned headbands and sparkly blue nail polish—and I’m talking BIG sparkles).

Despite all the misses, I’d like to think I’ve now redeemed myself enough to be able to discuss the poor choices in apparel I see every day. This is not an attempt to bash people who like to “express themselves” through their clothing; rather, this is an effort to change the decision-making habits of a select number of totally clueless individuals. Here is my compilation of the top six most heinous “styles” that even Good Will shouldn’t be stocking on their shelves.

1. Strapless dresses. Ladies, strapless dresses can be beautiful—BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE SMALL ON TOP. Why do you think spilling out of a dress—or having to hike it up every .03 seconds—is flattering? Also, if you have a huge chest, a strapless does absolutely nothing for support or shape (Does the term “uniboob” mean anything to you?). For your sake and ours, wear a halter top.

2. This next crime is committed by skinny boys—baggy t-shirts. Okay guys, I know you want to look a bit huskier. But wearing a size XXL t-shirt on your frame only emphasizes what you don’t have (muscle). I get that you want to look bigger, but believe it or not, people can tell that your concave pectoral muscles are not filling out that shirt. Wear a t-shirt that fits, before someone sends a lifeguard to save you from drowning in all that cotton.

3. Pint-sized sweaters. What the heck is up with “sweaters” that stop halfway down the ribcage? Is your torso really that much warmer than your arms so that you can’t wear a real sweater? It looks like you hijacked an outfit from your American Girl Doll. If you’re gonna wear a sweater, do it right and wear a sweater that doesn’t look like it was made for Bitty Baby.

4. White suits or tuxedos. There are, of course, some guys who can wear them and look amazing: Blacks, Hispanics, Latinos, Indians, Persians, etc. White guys…please, please, please stick to black. Please.

5. Ripped jeans. Huge holes in jeans don’t look good on girls OR guys. I don’t have to see your knee to know it’s there; even if it’s hidden under some fabric, I won’t doubt its existence. Guys, I don’t care what your story is—if the back pocket is ripped so that I can see your Stewie boxers (tacky), the jeans got to go. Also, what is UP with girls and wearing jeans with holes right under their butt?? Do you think you actually look good showing off the number one cellulite spot? You don’t.

6. MUFFIN TOP. I had a revelation a while ago about why girls don’t seem to notice (or care about) their muffin top. They don’t mind lying down on the floor to squeeze into their once-well-fitting jeans, as long as they can tell themselves, after buttoning, that they still fit into size 4. WAKE UP, GIRLS! How many times has someone asked you, “Gee, are those a size 4 jeans? Good thing, I definitely wouldn’t be your friend if you wore an 8.” People don’t see that you can wear a 4. All they see is that roll of fat spilling over the waistband, and all they think is ewww. Time to face the music and buy a pair of pants one (or two…or three) sizes up. Nobody will think any less of you—but they will see less of you. And that’s a good thing.

And here are the Honorable Mentions that didn’t quite make the list, but are almost just as bad:

1. Paisley. This pattern belongs on curtains and bedspreads, not your blouses.

2. Long denim skirts. To wear a jean skirt, the hem’s gotta stop at your thumbs. If your hips don’t let that happen, don’t wear it.

3. Light wash flared jeans. They’re out.

4. Shorts with slogans on the back. If you want me to know you’re a cheerleader, bring your pompons with you. Don’t make me read your butt.

5. Boot sandals. Wait, I’m sorry. Are you wearing boots or are you wearing sandals? I’m confused.