15 Things That Inexplicably Freak Me Out

1. The ball of dried up lotion that forms over the opening of the lotion bottle pump. Whenever I rub my hands together and feel it between my palms, a shiver travels from deep inside my gastrointestinal tract, up through my esophagus, and out my skin. I have to flick it away as quickly as possible, not caring where it lands, as long as it’s no longer on ME.

2. The hard, dried-up edge of a piece of cheese that’s been sitting in the fridge too long. I have to make a 2-inch diameter cut around the end of the dryness just to eat it—and by then, the provolone has completely lost all its integrity.

3. Eating a too-long piece of spaghetti, not being able to swallow it, and then feeling it sliding allllll the way up my throat as I’m pulling it out.

4. Crunchy peanut butter. In high school, I once traded my turkey sandwich for my friend’s peanut butter and Fluff. We have creamy peanut butter at home, so when I bit into the sandwich and instantly crunched on something that I irrationally thought was my tooth, I was traumatized by the crunchiness of the Jiff for life. (This is sad—I used to love crunchy peanut butter!)

5. Q-tips reaching too far into my ears and touching the back of my throat. I don’t know the exact physiology, and maybe it doesn’t ACTUALLY touch the back of my throat, but it sure as heck feels like it.

6. Orange circus peanuts. Hello, gag reflex.

7. The skin that forms on top of cooling hot chocolate. When I was younger, I used to go Christmas caroling with neighbors. When we got back, the hostess always made us hot chocolate—which should be in quotation marks, because there is NOTHING hot chocolatey about heating up Turkey Hill 2% lowfat chocolate milk in a saucepan over the stove. Not only is the flavor just off, but if you leave your cup alone for .02 seconds, this skin develops over the surface that you have to peel up and put on the edge of your cup. Ew.

8. The word “moist.”

9. Congealed oatmeal. Just today, I made myself oatmeal and got distracted and forgot to eat it. When I returned to the once-steaming, delicious bowl of Splenda-and-cinnamon hearty goodness, I saw that it became a cold, Splenda-and-cinnamon bowl of jellied oats and water. The surface of oatmeal shouldn’t bounce when you lightly touch it with your spoon, right? Growing up with the “don’t waste ANY food!” mentality, I braved one slithery, slippery bite of oatmeal (that had no business being called “oatmeal”)—and no more.

10. The water in the cottage cheese container before I stir it. Sure, it stirs up in 2 seconds so I don’t have too long of grossed out-ness, but that slightly-off color liquid in the middle of the container really just makes me wonder…what, exactly, am I eating?

11. The feeling of falling off the bed when I’m going to sleep. I realize it’s some kind of scientific, explainable thing, but I just hate it.

12. The rubbery yet hard cartilage nub that catches me completely off guard when eating chicken. It just bounces between one’s teeth in such an undesirable way. (Note: I don’t think this should be considered “inexplicable,” because I really don’t know if anyone would NOT be grossed out by that.)

13. The stringy things on the roof of my mouth when I burn it on a hot piece of pizza. (Yes, you all know what I’m talking about.)

14. Getting a paper cut on the tip of my finger. The paper cut itself isn’t what bothers me—it’s the process of actually feeling the edge of the paper slicing through the top layer of my skin that just sends chills through my body.

15. Accidentally swallowing my cough drop.